There Is No Stage Five

Also, I'm back in Mexico.  Olé! Not Mexico This trip was planned.  Sort of.  There are plans and then there's what happens.  I think there's a plan and then that plan becomes a different plan and things happen whenever they do.  Embrace it and show up is the name of the game. Mexico: New friends Old old friend.  Lobo smooshed his face into me when I said hi to him.  I'm not sure if he wanted snuggles or if he just lost his balance and had a crash landing, but it made me happy either way.   I got here Sunday night for an early and very busy Monday.  Started with an ultrasound, then lab work, an interstitial treatment (BB got a pass this time...lucky), and the usual many liters of IVs.  Because everything moved so fast, I didn't have much of a chance to be concerned about the ultrasound report.  Until the busy Monday ended and I got to wondering.  Every single cancer patient I've met has the same scan trepidation and I'm no ...

Familiar scenes: Familiar activities: Still charging...  The fiber optic goes from la machina, through the orange cord, which then threads through the catheter into my vein.  The red light is the tip of the fiber optic shining from inside my arm. I had 4 whole days without treatment!  Free of the IV tree, I could frolic about wherever I wanted!  Even the take home medications didn't need to start until this week, so the end of last week and weekend felt nearly normal.  The swelling and heat have still hung around for the most part, so we're still cooking even without daily provocation.   I've gone to Bellevue every day this week for IV laser therapy with my naturopath.  In Mexico, so many things happened at once, it was hard to tell what was making me feel which way.  I was curious how this would go with having the IV laser by itself.  If there was any doubt, it is impressively powerful.  By the evening, I had a sweaty little micro ...

I remember after graduating from Davis, I had my time of celebration, but it seemed short and feeble compared to the hulking reality of "now what?" that followed.  I'd been told where to be, what time to be there, what to do while there, and given suggestions for what to do between those times for so many years, I had no idea how to complete my own environment.  School took up so much time, brain space, and moved so quickly, my days began with a list of empty boxes, ended with checked off boxes, and then I did it over and over for a long time.  It was very comfortable, but also I seemed like the only way to make it through the whole thing.  (though full disclosure, I had to try twice, but that's a different story.)  Point being, the shock of empty space can take one's guard right off.   Going to Mexico and having a completely different space to immerse in healing was nothing short of wonderful.  Before I left, I was tired of decision-making for my...

 It's Final Day Eve and it was a doozy. I had my last (for this trip) interstitial treatment into my liver and bagel bite.   (Bagel bite is the little tumor in the soft tissue of my back.  The 2019 tumor was named "The Bagel" after I got the measurements and the largest dimension was just under 10 cm.  Being a proper American, I googled "how big is 10 cm?" and up came a cervix dilation chart with descriptors from 1 cm to 10 cm. Thank you, internet. 10 cm--bagel.  I haven't returned to the chart to figure out what 2ish cm is because "bagel bite" just seemed like it named itself.  But I digress...) Because both sites were treated today, I had to be on my side.  No matter how comfortable this positioning starts, it's not going to end that way.  Lefty had to take the IV catheter today, but cramping was a minimum.  I've figured out if I didn't move it at all, it will feel like absolute lead, but won't cramp.  Movement--the fatal flaw in ...

Lots of excitement and no excitement all at once.  Our plans for our one day off have been disrupted by two things.  One: me.  The other: the cartel.  Duh, of course!  Ironically, the recommendation from both is to stay in.  The part of town that's making the news is far from us.  Respecting the request from the cartel and government (yes, the cartel is surprisingly polite) seems to be a prudent choice, though we do feel totally safe where we are.  Meanwhile, I should mostly stay inside (out of the sun, at least) because of the longer lasting photosensitzer that I had at the end of the week.  The new game is "what color will I pee next?" as the photosensitzers and occasional B vitamins create some curious options.   Leannda and "La Machina" I'm starting to miss home and I think a few more days at the clinic is perfect timing to call it good for this round.  I'm generally tired of getting poked.  The acupuncture/massage the...

 I think there's a plan! Before that, here's a picture of my heart because it's doing a great job and deserves top billing.   It's definitely a little unnerving for me to have to start a big life changing treatment like this before completely having a plan, but PDT is just one of those things.  No one can predict how a patient's body will respond, so you start somewhere and adjust from there.  I can imagine the same can be said of starting chemo.  The thing that made me concerned about chemo is there's no stopping it.  I mean, there is, but if you stop it because of unbearable side effects, those side effects don't necessarily stop at that moment.  With PDT, you can stop safely, should you choose to, and you're likely not left with side effects.  I understand so much more about the different types of laser, photosensitizers, modalities, and the IV support, so the approach and adjustments are starting to make a whole lot more sense. ...

I was waiting at the stop for the struggle bus this morning, but decided not to get on it.  I have two solid tumors that I can palpate and they're definitely following directions of worse before better.  Even though I know this is expected and a good sign, it was a little rough this morning to think for a moment that progress was going to the wrong way.  But...it's not!   Today's interstitial treatment was way easier than last week.  The tumor on my back is responding really well to the topical laser treatment, so further direct prodding is unnecessary for now.  It's located superficially, which is great on one hand, but on the other hand, it's where there are many more nerves.  It was actually much more reactive last week and a little painful this morning, so I was happy to hear that we weren't going to poke at it more today.  What was cool though, was in treating the liver today, I could still feel the other tumor responding even though it ...