There Is No Stage Five

I had a dream a few nights ago that my body was giving me a tour of...myself.  I entered a room that was offensively white, including the cabinetry along the back wall.  "What's this?" I asked my body.  "This is where we keep all of the tools," it said proudly, as everything was clearly organized and tucked away fastidiously.  I paused.  "Why...why aren't you....WHY AREN'T YOU USING THE TOOLS?!?!?"  My body had been squirreling away the tools for a rainy day, for in case of emergency, for time of thinning resources.  BODY, HELLO???  *sounds alarm* USE YOUR DAMN TOOLS!!! Anyway.  So, my body is just a crow collecting shiny things to smile at.  That's how it's been going lately.   My latest CT has sort of a mixed result--just because staying in the muddy grey area has become quite homey.  The awesome news is there's no evidence of spread, and bagel bite, though being mostly ignored at this point, hasn't changed much.  T...

Like everyone, I have phases where I want education--I can't take in enough information, more is more.  Then there's a time to sit with that information.  Input is minimal because what I've already been given is processing.  My body has hung up a Do Not Disturb sign and is processing, but my brain is in curious consumption mode.   The joy of going slowly There wasn't a conscious moment where this changed, but my mindset for doing stuff is evolving.  If there's an opportunity to move more slowly through something, I do it.  I look at things a little longer, allow silence to have more time, I stay in discomfort for an extra breath.  This is starkly opposite to where I've lived for a very long time.  Success was measured by getting through a to-do list, and more success was surely getting through a to-do list that seemed impossibly long.  How efficient, how productive!--how stressful and hectic!  I'm not without to-do lists now, but su...

One of our junior high PE activities was to run a timed mile on the track.  Four laps.  Mr Wallace, one of the best teachers I've ever had, explained the four laps like this (I paraphrase because junior high was long ago, but the point of the story is still valid): Lap 1, whhheeeeeeee, no problem!  Lap 2, feeling warmed up, found my groove.  Lap 3, UGGGGGH.  Lap 4, wheeeeee, almost done! Lately, I've been on lap 3.  A patience game, a mental game, a game of trust.  Three months isn't that long, but neither is 3 laps.  But when you're in it this far, but also not nearing the end either, it can be a perfect recipe for letting thoughts wander.  Can I do it?  Is anything happening?  Are the right things happening?  Am I capable of doing this thing that is by many measures "impossible?" (Dear self: the answer is always yes.) Transitioning from having active treatment and therapies to then being left to percolate was complete BLISS i...

I have to admit, this feels a little weird.  For the last few weeks, a little part of myself stayed in Mexico.  Not the metaphorical sense either--some actual cells stayed behind to be cultured and trained, and yesterday, we were reunited.   952 million natural killer cells and 421 million dendritic cells in a 50mL vial with the contents labelled: Emily Sorensen.  A vial of my cells, all exposed to various environments and trained to find and kill my specific type cancer cells.  They've been well taken care of and kept very busy.   The report card: A+ The science, honestly, is a little beyond me, which is hard to admit.  Language hasn't typically been a barrier, but sometimes the translation of very sciencey science terms can get a little muddy.  But, what I do know...a satisfactory number of NK/dendritic cells from a culture is 50 million, and the royal "we" made 952 million and 421 million.  I mean, this isn't sports, but if it we...

Wednesday's not-a-surgery turned out to be more a-surgery than I'd prepared myself for, but in any case, a success!   The surgery was done laparoscopically with the great bonus to that being that there's video of the process.  Just that alone made my little nerd heart very happy to see.  I've said many, many times throughout this process that I wish I could see what was happening inside my body.  Now I know!  The tumors turn a pale white as they're treated with the microwaves and die.  All of the doctors were impressed at the response and they've seen and done this quite a lot.   Bagel bite got a pass on this one and we'll do a follow up treatment depending on how the liver mets respond over the next few months.  BB is very small and very superficial, so there are multiple options there.  Before the surgery, they collected cells from the tumors to make a "vaccine" that is currently in the process of being made for me.  It's qui...

Oops.   I really do have every intention of getting home and at least doing one more post to say I'm home--wouldn't that wrap it up nicely?  Of course it would, but no, then I don't do it.  In defense of my attention span, we woke up at home on my mom's birthday, my brother and sister-in-law arrived to surprise her (and us!), and that's way more fun and important than ticky typing a blog with my whereabouts.  Evidence of fall: pumpkin carving, end of the flower field, fuzzy horses, and a melting cat. Though, in truth, I did write a furiously long post, then reread it and deleted it.  I was remembering a consult I had with my original surgeon in WA.  This was last summer when liver and bagel bite joined the party and I wanted to talk to him about surgery, as it seemed to be the best option at the time.  He summarized my questions and concerns and replied with, if you're trying to avoid (physical) pain, you're not going to be able to.  Cancer a...

I'll get over the tortoise thing eventually, but today's not the day. I had an interstitial treatment to my liver today, and was positioned in a way that I could actually watch it all on the ultrasound.  I wish I had it on video, it was so freakin' cool.  First step, lidocaine.  Second step, inject photosensitizer directly into the liver and tumors.  The photosensitizer looks like shooting stars across the screen.  A whole universe of them.  A whole lot of wishes and I didn't miss a single one.  Third, he showed me a (rather substantial *gulp*) needle against the computer screen to show me how he was going to place it to thread the fiber optic through--fairly superficially because then the laser could treat the entire area of shooting stars.  Too deep would basically black out anything that the end of the needle had passed.  The laser intensity and duration has all been more this trip.  Nothing has changed in terms of the therapies, it's...