I feel increasingly lucky to have the paths between the feet of tall trees to go for walks. It's moving meditation. Heart-shaped things on these walks have become my breadcrumbs. I'll find them like an acknowledgment, a sly little wink, before they change shape as I pass and the heart transforms into just two leaves, just the bark of the tree, just a rock in the trail, just a slippery footprint. It’s a sweet little yes. Yes, this is exactly where you should be. Yes, I see you. Yes, you saw me. But if I look back at it, my perspective is different, and the heart isn’t there anymore. It’s only…forest. Just because it isn’t, doesn’t mean it wasn’t. It’s one of my favorite things.
I had new scans in June, so at my last chemo appointment, in a most unceremonious way, a new-to-me nurse practitioner reported that my scans were stable and bloodwork looked perfect. Not even a trophy, and even a certificate of participation. Stable and shiny is so fucking hard fought.
I’d had the MRI results for quite awhile in my patient portal, but had decided that if we are judging success of treatment by how I feel, who needs scans? I’ve been feeling better and better (sans the few days of chemo fatigue and the only acceptable food categories being SPICY and sweet) and if the scans didn’t confirm that, something would certainly be Terribly Wrong. Since a star sticker wasn’t coming, I decided I’d read the reports after all. I don’t know what “significant difference” is in the eyes of a radiologist, but the tumors are measurably shrinking by centimeters every scan since I started chemo. So, I overstep decades of medical education and make my own scan report—SHRINKING and shiny. It’s one of my favorite things.
This morning, we woke up very early to take a ferry to Seattle for the near-sole-purpose of buying peaches. We add other things to make it seem like it's not just a trip to the city for Stone Fruit From Heaven, but the peaches are absolutely top of the list. In the way back times, when I was living in Seattle, I worked for Beecher's Cheese at Pike Place Market. My shift started at 5am, when the market was still asleep, and ended when the market was loaded in for the day. It was like a coloring book. Produce, artwork, flowers, crafts, soaps, jars of goops. I loved it. Across the way from Beecher's is Sosio's Produce, home of OMG things, specifically, OMG peaches. THE Peaches. Here's the dream combo--a little heart-shaped breadcrumb for you--a Beecher's grilled cheese with an OMG peach in it (and a tiny drizzle of balsamic if you're feeling fancy). All of that to say, Ferry Boat Peach Fetching day is the type of day that has all of the time with time to spare. It's one of my favorite things.
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